(I play Ocarina of Time every Sunday and write what happens inaccurately. See previous parts here.)
Last time, we sent some witches to the bickering afterlife and saw another woman get kidnapped but this might actually be the final one since she got kidnapped into Ganon's Castle, and guess where we're going?
We're gonna finish this.
Finish the fight.
Drop the bomb.
Smash that like button.
Uhm, I mean, let's just go an see what's up in there:
I can't wait to see the interior decoration if the outside's this good. He really nailed the "we try to seem posh-but-not-too-posh"-look that's so hot right now.
But first, we swerve to the most direct right and walk down the alley I already been to that this big rock-pillar-thing actually has a check-action. Where Link, once again, shows his intellectual prowess.
Well, he wasn't Wisdom. And it shows.
But we can't do anything with this for now, and it seems very optional so let's just go for the big bad wolf:
Destroying six barriers.
Juuust in case you were worried this was about to turn into not-a-video game. We got collectibles. And split goals. And a nice rotational hub room to make it all work out:
See what I mean? Posh. But not so posh you just look like a megalomaniacal evil man. No gaudy gold, no portraits of himself, just an ominous skull-port. Classy.
Oh, and I forgot to mention, an nice rainbow bridge to carry me up to the castle:
This was not Ganon's fault. Which seems right, because Ganon is decidedly not queer. And Link is here to show him who's boss. Not by being queer himself because he's an idiot but mostly by shooting arrows at things and lighting things on fire.
Often at the same time!
Ok, so I want you to remember a couple things as we traverse through this dungeon/temple/castle: It says Ganon's Castle, but really, this was Hyrule castle before that. So while he might've had some say in the current interior design, it is important to remember that the Hyrule that he bases it on is probably still visible in most places. It's only been seven years, you can't really rebuild an entire castle in seven years. Even if he did make it floating over a pit of lava.
The frescoes along the bottom? Probably Ganon. The rest? Hmm... not so sure.
Case in point:
See those wind turbines at the end there? Yeah. Wind Turbines. Which were in the Shadow Temple, and that was hiding Hyrule's bloody history of greed and hatred.
Maybe it's just me, but I don't think Ganon would dig all the way down there to resurface some bad (and not well-functioning, the wind turbines cut out half the time) technology to then use it as his own defense mechanisms. So, these were already there before. Bet Ganon just took one fat look at this room and went "Nope, whatever, this is already a waste of space. I'll just throw a Beam-guy (which he admittedly slightly overuses) in the mix and call it a day.
After that we get to the first of what we'll see many of today:
This is apparently a Barrier controller. Shoot an arrow of light into it and it disappears. And becomes...
Because this was the Forest Door. Apparently. It was green. I guess I could've guessed that.
But wait... there were Wind Turbines. Which was a Shadow Temple trick. So did the Hyrulians just mess up the door? That'd be funny.
The game does a crazy zoom-field-of-view-dance to throw me back out to the hub room, which nicely speeds this process up, to the next doorway: The Orange one. Which I guess is the Desert/Spirit one because I need to use these boys
and yes, there are
Except there's no sunlight, and the top is covered in cobwebs, seemingly blockign out the light.
Ok, Ganon, that knocks off some points. You've not cleaned up, clearly. Bring a vacuum in once a month, at least. Jeesh.
My real problem is that I have no way of getting the cobwebs away, becuase.... I don't know. Nothing works.
After a little bit, I asked Ruto they said I need "Fire Arrows".
Which are a thing. That Link wants. Because they got Fire in the name.
Long story short, I stumbled through some other paths and found I also needed the Fire Arrows there, which is pretty annoying.
So guess how we get them?
Yeah, I had no fucking clue.
But remember this plaque?
It's in Lake Hylia. After we cleared the Water Temple, and I erroneously read this to mean that I needed to Go West, because that's what "shoot for" often means in this context. (And then I accidentally went east but that's another story).
No, apparently, this game, quite literally means: Shoot at the morning light.
Not for. AT.
So, you make it sunrise, and shoot at the sun with an arrow:
And Fire Arrows fall out of the sky!
I guess my brain is just not cut out for this game. I don't think I would've ever figured that out.
Anyways, before I could even do that, I had to get
some arrows, because I needed to... shoot... at the sun. And I was out.
But it ain't Sunday Morning Zelda without me going on a little Resource Run to waste half an episode, so that was a nice little return to form.
Swoosh, back to the cobwebs and create Ganon's cleaning crew. Because he needs it. Get that and shoot the Spirit Barrier away, and stroll through the Shadow door.
And just take a look at this place:
What are we in?? It looks like we're inside the ribcage of some animal. Ganon sure didn't have time to set all of this up. So the Hyrulians killed a giant dragon/dodongo/fish and thought that was a good decoration piece as any for their Shadow Area?
Maybe that's the secret! They killed the last of whatever creature this is! Out of greed! And hatred! And it must've been bloody because this is big!
But, Ganon really didn't have to do a lot to this whole thing. The hidden pathways must've been there too since they are visible with the Lens of Truth. And that was buried under Kakariko BEFORE Ganon was here.
That's some points off for being lazy, big guy. You could've at least added a chandelier. Or a potted plant.
Before I go get some encouraging words from Impa I also get a new item: The "Golden Gauntlets". Bet Nabooru is real jealous now.
And in the Fire Room we get to see the power of these Nintendo Power Gloves:
He picks up the giant stone pillar and just tosses it across the room.
A lot of courage he's showing there. And also, sort of breaking his cleaning duties. In fact, he makes more of a mess, since the pillar just lands askew at the other end of the room! And it looks hideous!
We get one last "Brother" from Big Bro and rush out to the next Stone Pillar that Link now has a firm grip on:
Into the Light(?) Area where I need to use the Lens of Truth to shoot bats and not open the wrong chests so I get frozen (?) and we hit the final room.
But no Barrier!
Actually, this is a decent trick: The wall is fake and the real room is behind this.
But why is it in the Light Area? The Light is really the ultimate trickster? Anyways, dog-man has just one word for me that I don't know what means.
It's like.. "huuurrryyy". But faster. I don't get it.
But with Forest, Spirit, Shadow, Fire, and Light down there's one room missing: And you know it's the final boss, the true threat:
Link steels himself as he knows he has never faced a greater threat to his sanity than this:
Fucking blue fire in a bottle.
Pour it on here to make the framerate tank.
Run around on ice and push blocks, go back and get some more blue fire in a bottle, and then the scariest part of all:
"...Hi Ruto. ...H-how are you? You okay up there? I'm sorry I haven't been to visit lately."
"Oh.. uhm, can you tell me what that means-- no? Goodbye, then!" (Phew.)
And that's it! All barriers down!
Game over! Cleaned up the castle for him!
Oh, right I guess we have to go up and get paid for doing all this hard work.
But first! There was that ...?? Pillar outside the castle, and I got a decent idea what's behind it now:
Oh, you're the great Fairy of Courage now?
You can't just take my title! That's rude! I just got this! It's mine!
Oh... So no fire?
Delivered as promised. She doesn't lie. All the time. But now that that's over with, maybe you can give us the final lore dump? How come you're the fairy of courage? Are there fairies of Wisdom and Power too? Where did you come from? How come you can only be in fountains, does your skin need water? And what's your relation to Na'vi? Can you take her back? I don't think I need her anymore.
Oh.. Well, that's good too, I guess.
I'll take it. I'm just... I have so many questions.
BUT we won't get any of the answers because instead of trying to get answers, Link either sets things on fire or kills them.
And next time, we're doing the latter. On The Dorf.
Next one is probably the last episode. Holy damn, this has been a long time coming.
Time for the Final Showdown between the Goof and the Dorf.
The arrow merchants. The arrow merchants always win.
Go vote, kids.