(I play Ocarina of Time every Sunday and write what happens inaccurately. See previous parts here. Or that is, I played because this is the last episode.)
Last time, we got a greatest hits of everything we love about Zelda games, from the "great" dungeons to silly backtracking--It was just as we remembered it. And now, we unlocked the final gate up to Ganon's main castle so I guess it's time to go finish the fight.
write the history as the victor.
mario-time it up.
praise the sun.
Let's see if war has changed, shall we?
(This will be a longer episode. I will finish this game today. Oh by golly I will. You can't stop me.)
Lizards have turned to dinos, that's about it so far.
Because before we get to the main event, we got to splash around with some minor fools, first these dinos and then some skeletons, before we get the bosskey and open the grand boss door too
I don't know about you but Link is ready to fight. Gave the pillar a solid whack just for good measure. It was solid. But you can climb it! Not that I know why! Yet!
All the while this is happening, the low, ominous organ music that started is slowly increasing in volume as I walk up through the final corridors...
(Which is a pretty decent lead up, I'll add!)
And then, it is time for actually the figurative marbles this time. Presented in image form:
He's playing the organ! Oh man! (assuming that was actually the first time this has been done in a game, it was pretty effective!)
Then Link looks surprised at his hand as one third of the triforce symbol appears on it, and Zelda does the same.
She's still just there, trapped in a crystal. In case you had doubts.
Yep, here we are. What up?
He says, like some angry parent that his kids were out playing too long. But no, Ganondorf you will not take my BOOMERANG! It is mine! I will only use it as a child but it is still mine! I will fight you for it!
So, without too much further ado, let's get to the real meat:
DING, we got a prize fight over here, folks! It's gonna be a good'un! We've waited actually seven years for this fight for the future of the known universe or maybe just this castle because the rest of the world seems fine but here we go, let's see who gets the world!
IN One corner we have
Ganondorf, The Gerudo In Black Armor, the King of Thieves, The Great King of Evil, the Hyrule Impostor, Power Incarnate, Smirk McFace, and Child of Two Surrogate Mothers.
Aaannd in the other corner we haaaaavveeee
Link "Longshot" "Killer Instinct" Linkerson, Hero of Time, Haver of Ocarinas, Owner of Three Shirts, "That Kokiri Kid", "Mr No Fairy", Courageous Motherfucker and Winner of the Most Naive Kid in the Country-Award three years in a row!
(don't ask who won the other 4 years.)
It's the Battle of the Decade, It's the Dorf vs The Goof!
LET'S GET READY TO RUMMBBLLEEE dududududududu--Na'vi what's up I'm in the middle of something?
As opposed to.... when exactly?
Nah, don't be sorry. I didn't have high hopes.
Ganondorf starts out strong by slamming the ground with a ground slam that removes the innermost floor, causing Link to...
Fall down. Below the pillar.
See, that's why you can climb it.
Link, already on a back foot, climbs up again and gets shot by Ganondorf's signature lightning attack!
Oh, no, it's not looking good for Link here, but he steels himself to the least of his abilities and readies for another strike, when he falls down again in a failed jump and Na'vi
With great... commentary.
Thanks, Na'vi for that insightful piece! Now, back to the play-by-play, Link realizes he can hit the lightning ball before it hits him and it flies back at Ganondorf! Angry at the turn of events, smashes it back and Link misses the bounce again, but Link stays firm and bounces it back and forth until Ganondorf messes up and gets hit by his own ball! Oh no!
Link, however doesn't know what to do with that, so nothing happens.
And it sure reminds me of something. There's some outdoor activity where you also bounce a ball back and forth between two people... like Squash? Hmm.. no not that. Something equally important.
Zoom ahead a little and Link realizes that those Light Arrows he was given before this dungeon might have something to do with it, so when Ganondorf is stunned by his own lightning, he shoots a Light Arrow at him!
Because the targeting is bloody difficult with these N64 controls! And you have like, 1.5 seconds to line up the shot! And each shot costs 1/8th of Link's green magic juice!
So, after a bunch of bouncing Ganondorf's Solid Lightning Balls (ahem) back and forth in some sort of Sport That Sure Feels Familiar But Isn't Golf Link runs out of magic juice and thus cannot shoot arrows of light. (I did hit him sometimes)
So there Link was, caught in the strange sensation of having plenty of health and a fairy to spare, but being forced to lose the fight so he could go back out and get more green juice.
(yes, I did see the pots in the bottom of the arena. All 20 of them dropped a single green potion for me. Yes, I'm that unlucky).
"Sooo..... hey Ganondorf? Sorry about the whole toy thing, how about you just... let me go and wait with the whole ending-the-world-thing until I go out and buy some definitely-not-poisonous liquid? That cool?"
Thanks! You're a darlin'.
Now I just gotta go refill my fairies and run to Kakariko village to buy some green potions and run back up through the castle that he nicely kept open this whole time and do the whole
"Waah, I'm Ganon"-thing again and now once again, for that Sport That---Aah It's On the Tip of My Tongue, It's Like Water Polo or Something,
and then Link shoots him with the arrow a bunch of times and almost runs out of liquid magic again but this time prevails, as Ganondorf slowly destroys the floor around him (which, cheap shot, he can fly. Fair Sportsmanship, Please. I will not have you disrespect the good name of Lacrosse.)
When Link shoots him with the Light Arrow, Ganondorf goes on one knee and Link just whacks him a bunch.
Because Link is only capable of hitting Bosses that don't hit back. The Courageous Motherfucker comes through, again.
And let me just highlight, before we move on, that there's something really ostentatious and silly about fighting for the Whole Area Around Hyrule Castle in a Grand Ping Pong Match.
Tennis? What's Tennis?
THIS is Tennis.
(For sake of credit, this is not my gif. And this one's using a bottle, not the sword, which decidedly more badass than I was. My Link would never use a bottle when he could stoop to using a sword.)
It turns out Link is the better Tennis Player (how he learned that skill is beyond all of us) and Ganondorf is equally surprised
Ganondorf shouts Link's name loudly and goes into Power Stance to charge up a lightning thing which somehow destroys the upper roof of the castle?
See, no roof.
Then he falls flat over, and it seems to be over.
Zelda comes down and decides now is a good time to break out of the crystal.
Pity me, for having to suffer through his poor Tennis skills.
We hear a sound of rumbling, and she turns to me quickly
Apparently Ganondorf thought it'd be a nice farewell gift to destroy the Castle that wasn't his, so now we have to run out of it.
I believe Zelda will send a letter to your insurance, Ganondorf. I hope you're covered. Because this will be expensive.
A timer shows up on screen and we run down some catwalks to a barred door and Zelda just goes "Huzzah" and the bars disappear
That would have been useful earlier. All those barred doors, and you could've just... walked through them. If only you could enter dungeons because of LORE.
You would've been far better at this whole thing.
Outside, we get a looong look at Zelda's old home collapsing in front of her eyes
And then... after 42 episodes
These two finally smile and wave at each other.
As Na'vi party-crashes into the frame
Let me ask you, truthfully, what you think you could've done.
Link looks disapprovingly back at Na'vi. "Go home, I don't need you anymore!
I have Princess Zelda and a ruined Castle! My life is complete!"
Uh oh. he looks a little mad. I don't know what I could've done to upset him like this.
"...Is that... money?"
Oh. OOH. He dropped the Dorf. Now you know he's serious. And he's all big. And found two swords in the basement.
Oh, ok. That's fair Na'vi I haven't treated you well. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt this time. You admitted you were useless and now you come and say that it's time to rectify your mistakes. I hear you. Let's do this.
Ah--I... okay, whatever.
Oh you can also target the tail, maybe you'll
No, whatever. If you can't see the weakpoint when his tail is literally a rainbow then let me handle this.
Now Ganon is pissed and has no time for Tennis or Ping Pong or Lacrosse, so now it's time for the real sports:
Or, at least, mildly related to fencing as he just swings swords around as I dodge them and shoot arrows at his colorful tail. But Ganon knocked the Master Sword out of my hand so he's done playing fair which means I'll just do Archery while he does Fencing.
Meanwhile, Zelda just... stands outside a fiery circle RIGHT next to the Master's Sword and does absolutely nothing.
She's not imprisoned or crystalized anymore, but instead, she was deemed to be completely impassive while being next to the one tool that could actually help me.
I shoot enough arrows for him to do this pose
And the fire disappears and then suddenly Zelda wakes up
Yes, thank you. Wonderful. Let's fight with the last heart-and-a-half I hav-
And it loads meeee...
back at the beginning of the running section.
All right, game. Let's drag this out longer than we have to.
A couple more runs and we slowly learn he's weak to pretty much any kind of hit in the tail, and he only does one attack (that albeit does a fair amount of damage), and get to the master's sword again where he does even more damage, but all in all, it takes me a bunch of tries but eventually, finally, we find out who is the true Combined Fencing/Tennis Champion of Hyrule:
Na'vi. Always in the shot. Always in the way.
Zelda wakes up once again to do hold him in place with Light Magic (which she can do) for me to deliver the final, anime blow:
Ganon sputters and gasps and Zelda shouts
The camera cuts to Dog-man
Hold ON. Stop Killing Ganon Right This Second.
Ancient "CREATORS" of Hyrule??
Are you telling me Saria created Hyrule? That Ruto did? That Big Bro did? That Nabooru did? Impa I'll believe, sure, maybe you too. But What the hell?
That's a hell of a lorebomb to just drop when we're done.
And here's another: We're sending Ganon into... the Evil Realm. This is the first I hear of this Evil Realm. How about killing him? No? That's not okay?
And also another title for him: "Evil Incarnation of Darkness". Seems a bit much, don't you think?
Anyway I didn't have time to think on this because they did some swirling magic foo
And bam, Ganon talks once again through the grey void, this time, though, he's a little more sad.
You can't just say they CREATED Hyrule without any more context! What the hell game!
He's still mad, if you wondered.
How did they create Hyrule? What about its bloody history of Greed and Hatred? Are you telling me that's SARIA'S FAULT???
Because I'd believe it.
Oh, hi. F-funny seeing you here. I... was just getting a coffee...
And then Zelda says it was her fault?
That Ganon got control of the Sacred Realm (which, I still have questions about that whole deal, but I'll let that be for now). Why, because she told Link to go do it? I guess? Sure? But not like there were anyone to warn her. I'd say it was up to bad parenting.
Like, seriously, someone should've maybe stopped a girl princess messing with the fate of the world, hm?
"Oh, no I didn't mind at all. I was just lying in my bed all day before this. Seriously, I had no life.
Like, think of someone with no life, and then imagine if they had less of it. That was me. I only had like 3 hearts. It was miserable."
And finally, she says
Which has the consequence that Link can no longer time travel. Which, ok, I used it like, twice. That's alright.
It's mine now.
Ganon tried to take my toys, you saw what happened there.
You better not te--
Oh, my original time? Hell yes, make me a child again. I'm in.
I never liked this long nose.
We did it!
We Reached the Credits of the Video Game!
Hoooh boy it has been a journey.
Here's some nice screenshots from the credits.
...What's that four legged animal doing here?
And it played Saria's Theme because Big Bro knows what a jam is and you know he's the DJ.
It's all your best pals like Brown Haired Guy and Red Haired Girl!
And Wandering Running Man!
(And ok, the goof of the Windmill guy being spun by three Kokiri kids is pretty good.)
And some smart dudes hanging out on a blanket.
"Yes ok, fine, you can come to the party. Just stay ten meters away so you don't topple our drinks every time you move your foot. All right? Yes you can dance."
Wait. Why's Mido next to Ruto's Father?
Are they trying to make a similarity between them? What's the similarity?
And we see the Sages one final time before the grand finale:
Properly Proportioned Link!
He's pretty surprised. Kid, you were a kid like only 4(?) episodes ago.
And Na'vi peaces out to the window and there's one final shot of the Master's Sword with the big fat words
In case you forgot.
And that's it!
Oh wait no it isn't!
It's Zelda outside the window.
And who's there??
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNN
Oh no! It's that guy who only has three shirts! Watch out!
And it pulls out and fades to black and white and delivers the definitive, actual, final words
And so it shall repeat. (The fact that it ends here, where I actually started this series, is kinda poetic, too).
Damn. We did it. I played Ocarina of Time over 42 Episodes. I'm pretty pleased with that whole thing, all in all. I'll share some more post-mortem-y thoughts on another blog because has already been way too long but safe to say I learned a lot doing this. And it's been, mostly, fun. I doubt that many stuck with me all the way to the end but even if you just read this one and nothing else, thanks for reading. It's been a good'un.
I'll just load back to the menu and
LINK HAS A HORSE?