(I play a game 1 hour every Sunday and write what happens inaccurately. Currently I'm playing through Majora's Mask. See previous parts here.)
Last time, we found a ghost who needed our help but did not want to tell us how to help it. So now, we're going back to Goron Village, I guess, to figure out how to help a ghost. Because they might know?
Let's find out.
Oh. How about Ghost Goron clientele?
Now that's just rude.
Hold on. There's a Business Scrub Association? Can I partake? I'm also able to be a scrub. When I choose to. I can also sell items and buy items. I'm a trader. I should be in on this deal. This sounds like a Link type of situation. Cut me in, dealio.
He doesn't want to.
Next up is the Goron Shrine, which is not to be confused with the shrine I was in last, where I got the Lens of Truth. This Town's got two shrines.
And this one's got Gorons, so it's automatically a better shrine.
Oh, you ok, there? What's..
Oh. I hear what's wrong. As soon I step in, deafening out the soothing Goron music, is a loud baby's wailing, consistently, always, crying, ringing throughout the temple.
You know, I do. That's right, that's weird. Link's also fine with all the cold that the rest of you, who are literally made of stone, aren't fine with.
I... think something's up with Link. He doesn't seem to be affected by anything around him. Like he doesn't have empathy. Or emotions.
Oh, wait we already knew that.
There's the culprit. A crying baby.
Seems odd that no one is trying to do anything. Like. They're just standing there, in misery.
He's LONELY? Well YOU are RIGHT HERE. Doesn't anyone know how to play with a child??
Okay, fine. I guess I'll walk away and not deal with the child either.
Because I sure don't know how to.
But that also leaves out of options, so I look up what I'm supposed to do now that I can see every problem the Gorons have but not solve any of them.
Turns out, I need to go back to the ghost. And play Zelda's Lu--Song of Healing.
I guess they meant him saying to "heal" him as a clue? But I don't remember using the Song of Healing. And I already forgot where I got it. So that was definitely not in my repertoire. (A downside to only playing once a week, I guess.)
But I do and I get a brief dream-sequence (?) of him being praised by all the Gorons.
Oh, that's nice. I'm not at all jealous. Of your earned popularity and nice looks and natural Goron charm. I'm not.
And then he screams.
Uh? You are literally loved by everyone, what's wrong? You can't possibly want MORE can you?
Oh, it's a mask. The ghost turned into a mask.
Ugh, no thank you. I'll just take the mask.
All right, let's see what this bad boy can do.
Doesn't look... comfortable.
I'M A GORON. GORON LINK. LINK SMASH
I have a button DEDICATED button to CURLING up into a ball!
Hell yeah. Now I can hide from the world in style.
Wait, what's this grave say.
I can lift things! All Goron Heroes know this.
All Goron heroes know to press the A button. It is part of their Hero Training. Which I have definitely been through.
WAIT ...and ROLL?
I can roll around!
And it actually gains a pretty good amount of speed. And when you do it for a while, you get spikes!
...I think we found Link's new permanent form, folks. Screw being a random Kokiri Kid when you can be a rollin', ballin', rock-chewing badass like this. I see no downside.
Dar-- Oh, you think I'm-- No... well, um..
Well, yes I am! The Great Darmani, is I!
Oh right, he was the one who talked about the hot spring below the grave. Maybe I can move it now that I'm a strong boy.
It was right there, all along?
Wait. The grave... was blocking the spring? Who built the grave there? Why... why? The grave was not built by some evil monster? It was built by the Gorons, I assume, to honor their hero? Why build it on THE THING keeping them warm?
See these are the types of people Link CAN be a hero for, because they're not much smarter than Link is, already. Think he's found his match. Let's grab some of that spring water
psssh it out on the poor guy.
Y... Yes, I did! I, the Great Darmani! Emphasis on Great! I Saved You. Also, Link helped. You know Link? He's a pretty alright guy. Maybe you should...
Nah, screw it. I am DARMANI now! Fear me! Praise me! Love me!
Oh now you just want me to do more things? Jeez, I guess you people are never happy.
Ok fine. Let's ROLL
Remember those weird gaps at Snowhead trail, where I needed the Goron JumpTM? Well let me tell you
JUMP OVER THAT BIG ASS RAMP
This is the best. Seriously. This is the best power any Zelda game has ever given me.
And then I get to snowhead by straight cruisin' across the mountain.
There's a big gust of wind that appears periodically that blows me back when I get out on the bridge, but then Tatl says something.
See something, you say? Well I got just the thing.
Oh, that's a big Goron. Guess it didn't take me long to be out-goron'ed. That's not good.
In defeat, I go back to the village in search of someone to Tower Over with Unjustified Heroism, and I found just the marks.
That's right, they know me by my... WAIT SIDEBURNS?? God, Darmani. Get a better trademark. Link at least had a...
hmm... he had a ....
...no I guess he wasn't that memorable. Sideburns will do.
The baby is not impressed by my new getup, so I leave again and just go rollin' & rollin' in the mountains. Because it's just too dang fun.
Let me also say, I get Goron architecture now? Like, they have these long, rolling ramps and circular constructions, which are pointless for walking but are just perfect for rolling down. Literally made for it.
And I know that's done for gameplay reasons, but this is an instance of that actually fitting neatly, fictionally, too. Which is nice.
And I can just roll into everything and smash and--
Oh, who's this.
That's an old boy.
I guess I'll go up and get some more hot spring water, which is naturally placed at the least convenient place it could be, atop the giant wall.
Here you go buddy, I'm a just gonna pour this vaguely in your vicinity.
It's early morning. You're fine.
It is I! Darmani! The Great Goron Hero! Uh, I have to come up with a better title The Breaker of Snowballs! Uh, no that doesn't work. Hmm... Lemme think. The G--
--reat Roller! Excuse me?
I'm here buddy. I'm just gonna stand here and look into your old, weird lip, until you realize it. How about this:
Darmani, the Magnificent Orb!
Yeah, I know. Crazy, right?
Uh... Yes? Yes. He does. I guess. Wait, who are you...?
Oh! Well. Uhm. I see. He thinks I'm his son...? Well I don't miss you. Or maybe I do, for I AM the Wondrous Baller Darmani!
And then he wants to teach me a song, that he plays his son.
So I'm also your son...? Like, actually.
Ha--have I... found my father?
He begins playing, but only gets halfway through.
He tries again, but still doesn't get any farther than the first 3 notes.
Welp. Looks like we're shortening the song, friend! It's okay, no one will notice. I'll make the song My Own. We'll call it
...not to shoot down your ideas, but maybe we shouldn't call it "intro", though. That's a great way to make people focus on what's missing. We don't want that.
I know just the one who needs to hear just the first part of a lullaby, though.
Ding, and we played it for a baby. Who'll SING the next part? Oh, okay, that plan's out the window. The baby outdid me.
I-I mean, of course the baby remembered! I knew all along! That was the plan!
So the part the old man didn't remember was, the same part repeated again, and then the first two notes reversed into a descending pattern?
Okay. Well shit. Yeah, that was never going to work.
I then play it on my-- Oh right, i didn't show this. As Goron Link, look at this sick orchestra he pulls out his ass when I press the ocarina button:
That's right. We got a drumkit.
Then we get a little flashback-thing of the elder with the baby
And the baby falls asleep.
oh, everyone fell asleep.
...And michievous laughter echo into the hallways.
Link has a new master plan. Make them all fall asleep, and then I'll be the LAST GORON. I will be INFAMOUS!
(Also, hey, a lullaby that actually puts people to sleep. Instead of summoning lightning to break royal graves. That's a bonus.)
I think we all know just the Goron to use this new power on, to knock him down a peg from his big chair. We can't have him sit up there and blow cold air into the nothingness any longer! Next time!
See you then!