(I play Ocarina of Time every Sunday and write what happens inaccurately. See previous parts here.)
Last time, we finally uncovered the truth behind Hyrule's bloody history of greed and hatred. And it turned out to be something so unimaginable, not even the writers of this game could think up something, so they thought, how about Bongo Drums?
Who likes Bongo drums anyway? Not me, that's who! Because this boss does a lot of damage! With his hands! That he plays bongo drums with!
Actually, it's an alright boss fight. It's hard, and timing-based, which this game is not the best at because of the old targeting system, but it's over quickly once you get the hang of it, which is better than most of the boss fights in this game!
And then, the bongo drums turn to... static noise? and a blue portal appears, signalling it is time, once again, for the scheduled Sage-Checkup.
You know her, you love 'er, ittssssss
wait who were you again?
Oh thats right, right. ok. yea, sure.
Interesting detail: "After a short time". Also what did he have, an army? Did you not have an army? We've only seen him ride out from the castle, chasing Zelda and Impa... presumably he'd already taken it then? But there was no army there. So let's just assume that Hyrule is so incompetent they let one man take over their castle.
Well, I guess I got in there around the same time. And I was a kid. So yes, they are that incompetent. And Impa was in charge of keeping Zelda safe. Soooo... exemplary Sage material, there.
Oh, this is a key to the Sacred Realm? (is this the Sacred Realm, it's been a really long time). And the hidden treasure of the Royal Family, given to me.
Eh, don't judge a boy by his ocarina, lady.
Yeah, for now, she is! But I'm coming to find her, so you better watch out!
No, you don't want that.
The Six Wise Ones? Let me see, so far we've got "I-got-a-dog's-name", "Girl whose only interaction with the outside world has been through Link", "Big Bro Dance-man", "Ms-I-want-to-marry-someone-who-uses-me-as-a-box", and you "lady invisible". Yeah, this is boding well. The world is in safe hands.
Uh oh. You did it now. You assumed Link can protect anyone. He can't even jump without a ledge to jump from.
Look out? Look... out?
Maybe that's just weird translation but look "out" also means I need to... beware of her. Huh. Alright. I'll beware the Princess I guess.
And now we're here again. Great. I love how they just give me, the Hero of Ages, zero guidance.
Sooo, time to wander around a bit. Last time, my first assumption was dead wrong so I looked a bit around Kakariko and Hyrule Castle and found jack shit, so I decided it was time to go for that age-old tradition and confirm that I was on the right track and Guess Where We're Going Folks?
Turns out the Bongo Drums were Actually A Hint Of the Good Times Ahead because It
Is
Time
To
Remember this place I thought I was going to a couple of episodes ago when I was done with the Water Temple and the Sun Pointed West and all that? And I found some carpenters trapped in a fortress of all female thieves? Yeah!
These are the carpenters I rescued! I only got three of them!
Turns out there's 4!
Horseback? Psshhh, You can't ride horses in this game, silly. Don't tell them!
And remember this? The inside of a prison cell you land in whenever those... thieves... (?) spot you. Yeah, I saw this a wholllle bunch. Because the fourth one, of course, was behind all the other ones, in a secret place I hadn't seen, so I had to re-remember the routes around and got spotted a lot by these folks who have very bad eye-sight and also ridiculously good eyesight when you don't expect it.
Buuut I'll spare you all that and get to the good stuff:
Don't worry 'bout that, I got all the eyes of truth you could want.
He says he's going back to his tent and I look away for a second and suddenly, this lady is outside!
Yes, uhm, also, you got a pretty open security flaw. Now, I take a strict fee of 100 rupees for a pen-testing job--
No, you should still think that. Ganondorf is by far the only competent man here, but I can maybe see not being into his whole goth look.
Ah, splendid job. I had a miserable time.
She then says "Nabooru" is in the Spirit Temple across the desert, which sounds like where I'm going.
Well, I once stole from this guy called Mido back in the village. So I guess I am a bit of a thief.
And she gives me a Membership Card so I can roam the fortress freely. All right, that's good, I guess. So you're not mad I just freed all of your prisoners?
No? Okay.
By the way, you got an unconcious guard at the entrance. K-thx-bye!
Yep, this guy's clearly overworking his men. They didn't even get a chance to celebrate? Just straight back to work, and slam, they got a bridge. That was fast.
Also, shoutout to Mr Killer Instinct who can prove his because the bridge is up. (That's where I got the Killer Instinct name from. I forgot about that!)
Turns out, it means running to the Lost Woods in 2:38 minutes. Which I really cannot be bothered to do, I'm sorry.
Nice bridge though.
Let's cross a desert!
Uh oh. Oh, no. Oh crud.
I got Hover Boots. Next.
Oh no!
I got that too. That's it?
Oh, that doesn't look bad! Almost pretty, innit?
I might make a vacation out of this.
Should've seen that coming.
And sure enough, I walk over a little bit of quicksand with the hover boots and find some fla--
Ah, I, uh.. It seems you're already quite aware how silly this shop location is, so...
All right, even better. It's on a flying carpet.
He wants to sell me something that costs 200 Rupees, which is More Money Than Exists in the Known Universe, so I kindly offer my regards and venture forwards into the brown abyss (ugh....).
Turns out the Phantom Guide is a Ghost I can only see with the Eye Of Truth, and while I'm chased by strange desert slimes and hoping my green magic juice won't run out I make it across the desert, following a strange ghost I probably shouldn't trust.
Oh, it's nice again!
Ok, that's just neat. All right game. Neat.
Let's find out what this Collossus is next time! :D
We're nearing the end of this game, it feels like! There's only one more Sage left. Damn.